My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
