life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize