Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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