I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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