Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
