Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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