Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
