Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
