I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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