Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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