Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Randomize
