Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize