just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you will always have a special place in my vag
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
