A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
