i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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