It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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