He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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