I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
