he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
