I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
