Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
