I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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