i want to swaddle you in tequila
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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