then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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