Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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