Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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