My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
