Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
