The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
