Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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