I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize