i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
two words...techno handjob
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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