There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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