You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
