god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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