You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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