there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
