I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
