Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
