Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
