If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just googled if crying burns calories
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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