i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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