got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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