pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
