My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So vagazzling was a success
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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