sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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