Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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