I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
