I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
