his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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