My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize