I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
