Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
