She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
