please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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